I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
