I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
