my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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