he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
