Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
