I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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