My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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