i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
