Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
