Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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