Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
