I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
