I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
