I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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