Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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