That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
