Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
