I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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