I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
