Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
