The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
