When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
