So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I puked a lego.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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