I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
