i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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