Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
