I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
