Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
