Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
