you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
