it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
