i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
