But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
