I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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