Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
