Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
