I didn't shave. On purpose
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
