when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
