I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
