I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
