you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
