why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
