i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
