4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
