Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
