i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
