Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize