Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
