What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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