I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
