remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
