The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Never joke about your clitoris.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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