so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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