so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
