I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
