They should really pass out barf bags in church
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
