what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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