Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have aggressive nipples.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
