I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
