i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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